The Song Inside My Soul

Lyrics...because I felt like being emo?

2007-11-27T05:06:35Z

I’m dying to catch my breath
Oh why don’t I ever learn?
I’ve lost all my trust,
though I’ve surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don’t tear me down
You’ve opened the door now, don’t let it close

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away
from turning it around

Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away
when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me
Make my heart a better place

I tried many times but nothing was real
Make it fade away, don’t break me down
I want to believe that this is for real
Save me from my fear
Don’t tear me down

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place

Don’t tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe
Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me
Make my heart a better place
Make my heart a better place

Giving Up

2007-11-23T06:49:10Z

The house was far too quiet. She hated it when it was quiet. When there was noise she could keep herself busy…when there was noise she didn’t have time to think. Fallon had never liked the quiet because her thoughts were never about anything that could be considered happy. They were never such thoughts that could help her fly away. She couldn’t quite remember the exact date she had taken up smoking again, but then again it wasn’t exactly public knowledge either. Inhaling deeply she enjoyed the momentary high she received from the nicotine as she blew the smoke into the night air. She continued to smoke one after the other as her thoughts swallowed her whole.

Her children were hopefully fast asleep at Brenna’s, and her husband? Well he was out being a hero again. Sweet caring Daniel, who always wanted to help as much as he could, who was always trying to make things right but kept coming up short in one way or another. It was quite tragic really and the wedge between them continued to grow in size. It wasn’t entirely his fault, to say so would be a serious indiscretion on her part. After all hadn’t she always played the quiet faithful wife? The one who never questioned or protested to his actions? Oh yes, silent meek Fallon who was afraid to speak her mind…and people claim to admire her strength. The mere thought made her laugh loudly, breaking the night’s silence. It wasn’t strength that made her passive and understanding it was fear.

God, did she ever wish she could travel back in time. She wanted to go back to every moment she had stayed quiet and scream loudly each and every thought she had kept to herself. Maybe then her life would be different, maybe then she wouldn’t feel so disconnected…maybe then she would be happy. How did she get here? To this place where when she looked in the mirror she didn’t even recognize the person she had become. When did THEY get here? What happened to Danny and Fallon? They weren’t the same loving couple they had been before, more or less going through the motions as if to keep up a front for others. The small touches and endearments that had once brought her warmth occasionally made her want to flinch. The bed they shared was cold and when they made love it was more or less mechanical, because it seemed like the thing to do.

She wanted it back, whatever they lost she NEEDED it back. But with every day that passed, it became more and more apparent that she might not get it back. The scary part is she was almost okay with that. It was childish to ever believe fairytales could come true. It was even more foolish for her to believe that they would come true for her. It was in that moment that she gave up.

“I quit.” She admitted to herself as she flicked her last cigarette over the balcony. It’s funny how two little words can have an immediate effect on a person. Almost as if her path had become clear, she raced back into the house grabbing a bag and blindly throwing items into it. She quickly picked up the phone and called the airport making reservations. If someone asked her later she wouldn’t be able to tell you what her destination was. At the moment she hadn’t cared, she just wanted out. She wanted to escape the cold hell her so called life had transformed into.

She barely made it down the stairs before a familiar voice rang in her ears.

“Going somewhere?” He asked eyebrow rose in his usual cocky manner.

“Not that it matters, but yes Liam I am going somewhere.”

“Care to tell your best mate where? Or is it one of your and Danny’s little getaways?” Liam asked leaning against the door.

She couldn’t help but laugh, and it came across a little more cynical than she had intended. “Now Liam, use your brain. I KNOW you have one. How could Daniel and I possibly be going anywhere? After all, he has too many duties to others here. Couldn’t have him neglecting those now could we?”

He smirked and tilted his head to the side. “Whoa. Who pissed in your bitch flakes this morning?” Laughing he continued. “Daniel huh? You must be pissed, that’s how it goes right? Danny when you’re pleased with him and Daniel when you aren’t?”

“You’re so clever Anderson. Now step aside and let me by before I move you myself.” She stated dryly her eyebrows drawn together in such a way that would frighten any man.

But he wasn’t any man. He was someone who knew her better than he knew himself, someone that had loved her for a long time. Liam knew her every move, her every mood and up until he met THE love of his life had been convinced that Fallon was the only girl in the world for him. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing Fall?”

“You are more of an idiot than I thought. So I retract my previous statement about you having a brain and apologize for my outrageous display of jumping to conclusions. What the FUCK does it look like I’m doing?” She asked angrily.

He let the idiot comment slide and narrowed his eyes. “Well either you’ve completely lost YOUR mind or it looks like you’ve decided to pull a Danny.”

“Ding ding ding tell him what he’s won Bob! Now that we’ve had this little heart to heart I’ll say it again.” Clinching her teeth her eyes flashed angrily. “Move, or be moved. Either way works for me, although I would thoroughly enjoy moving you myself.”

“I’d like to see you try. What the fuck is wrong with you Fallon?”

She laughed again. “Oh NOW you noticed! Where have you been the past couple of years Liam? You claim to know me better than anyone…funny how you haven’t noticed how completely FUCKED up I’ve been. So this?” She pointed to her bag then nodded to the door. “Is me fixing it.”

Oh that hit a nerve, it wasn’t he hadn’t noticed it was just…OH GOD DAMNIT! “No you aren’t fixing anything. You’re running away. Just like you ALWAYS do. You’d think your legs would be tired by no. But no! What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you people? When is enough, enough huh? How many lives do you lot have to destroy until you’re satisfied with the carnage of your actions?” Walking over he grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her hard. “You listen to me Fall and you listen good God damnit! If you do this, if you take off running you stoop to their level. And by GOD you are better than that. Better than them. You have more class and dignity in your little finger than ANY of them combined together. I understand that you’re wounds are still raw and that you’re probably thinking that things should have been over between you and Danny the night he came back. Maybe you’re right…but think about it. There’s a reason that they weren’t, there’s a REASON you stuck it out for better or worse…”

“Because I’m fucking stupid!”

God if she wasn’t her he would have slapped her. “You aren’t stupid Fallon, for the life of me I don’t know why but you love him. Honestly if I were you I would have kicked his ass to the curb. But you LOVE him Fallon as hard as things are right now and as much tension and distance that is between you two? Nothing could ever change that. And he LOVES you, more than he could ever love anyone else. So if you’re going to leave? You at least owe him a goodbye. Face to face. Show him and everyone else that you’re better than them. Show them that you have the decency to do this right. Don’t stoop down to their level…don’t be like them. You’ll regret it. You. Are. Better. Than. That.”

Dropping her bag to the floor she began to punch him in the chest hard, crying out words of hate all the while. Somewhere in between those punches her will broke and she began to cry, falling against him and holding on so tightly he was sure he would lose the ability to breathe. But he didn’t move as she threw her punches, didn’t pull away as she clung to him. He simply held onto her just as tightly.

“I’m just so tired Liam.” She said later, after her bag was unpacked and they were standing on the balcony sharing a cigarette.

“I know Fall, but things will get better…they always do.”

Looking at him she smiled as much as she could. “Thank you…”

That day would go down in Fallon's history as the day she almost walked out on the best damn thing that ever happened to her.

Kind of OOC kind of Not

2007-10-04T03:35:31Z

Okay, I've kept quiet about this for so long that it's literally eaten at me from the inside out. I'm like Fall in alot of ways...one of them being that I don't talk about what's bothering me because I don't want to cause waves within our delicately balanced universe and I don't want to cause any drama...we have enough of that shit without me adding to the pile.

But me not speaking about the problems is not a good thing like I've always thought it was...so I'm just going to let you know everything right here and now just so it's off my chest and you and the kids in your system know about it...before I literally have a breakdown and pack up all my kids and leave.

Before you get defensive I'm going to say this, Fallon's problem with Jordie has nothing to do with the fact that her and Danny fuck or the fact that they love each other or hell even the fact that they ran away together. Her main problem is this...every single fuckin time for the past several months, every single time Fall and Danny have even started to skim the surface of their problems and try to get back to normal, Jordie has said something or done something to cause him to run to her. Fall UNDERSTANDS that Jordie has problems and that she needs someone, really she does because if anyone would bother to fuckin' look her way they could see that SHE has problems and that SHE needs someone too. But unlike Jordie? Danny is the only person Fall has. That‘s it. Period. No one else but him! Fall refuses to play on the boards anymore because her and Danny never get more than a few posts in before Jordie's asking for him and even though he might not always go to her? It still stops whatever was happening between Fall and Danny at the time. Whether Jordie realizes she’s doing it or not, there’s been several occasions where she’s guilted Danny into coming to her when he was with his wife....whether it be on the board playing or over IM it happens and it’s not fair to Fallon at all. She even told Jordie one day over IM “You see him more than I do.” She wasn’t lying, wasn’t joking, and the last thing she was trying to do is make her feel better...she was telling the truth, and Jordie ignored it completely and just kept on going about whatever it was she was talking about.

I almost lost her...and I don’t think anyone knows how serious it had become. I’m not talking about suicide and I’m not talking about her just going quiet in my head. I’m talking about her leaving and never fuckin coming back! And oddly? She thinks if she had no one would have given a good god damn. Maybe I believe that too I don’t know...because honestly think about it...she has been quiet for months no one has really noticed but me. So who would care if she just slipped away completely? You have no idea how much I’ve fuckin cried over this and how much it hurts me. Sure you can say you do because it’s happened with your kids before...but you really don’t because you haven’t dealt with what I’ve dealt with for months. When what’s going on with my kids starts to affect me psychically? Starts to tear at me until I’m ready to scream or worse pull them all and leave? It’s not fuckin right. And yes I was to that point, I was ready to pull every last single one of them and leave. Call me a child or a baby because of this whole thing if you want, but I don’t care. If you don’t want to talk to me anymore after this? Still don’t care. Because Fall and I have been quiet for too long and I refuse to do it anymore. And if she does indeed disappear you won’t have to worry about it because I’ll go too. I’m not joking about that I swear to God I will.

She’s not the same Fallon she was anymore, and I’m not stupid enough to think she would be, people change. Like I said we REALIZE that Jordie is going through alot and I nor Fall are trying to say that’s not important...what we are saying is Fall’s NOT okay, her and Danny are on their way back to what they used to be but it’s still not the same for her and she’s still not so sure she belongs here. And I’m sorry to say it but she does not LIKE Jordie and she probably won’t....she’ll be civil to her hell she’ll probably even be nice because it’s not in her nature to be mean to someone even if she has BIG problems with them. She’s just not the kind of person who picks fights or anything of that nature, hence never saying anything before now. I guess you can say she has more class than that, she’d rather just disappear than cause problems....you might call that a weakness but whatever. Like I said she’s done being quiet and so am I.

I’m not naive enough to believe that Jordie is going to stop doing what she always does....but I’m not just going to sit back and watch Fall keep getting hurt. Not going to stay quiet not when every fuckin time she starts to become more like herself again BOOM something happens and it knocks her right back where she started from. What’s sad is this whole thing has hurt her and me worse than anything Bryson did to her ever did. You’re probably thinking that it’s Danny’s fault too...and trust me the blame isn’t completely spared from him, but it’s different...because Danny has such a big heart and he loves so much that he’ll do anything he can to help Jordie when she calls for it.

Casi? I love you more than anything you know that. I do not have the pesky problem where I blur the lines between IC and OOC....but it doesn’t stop me from feeling what my kids feel and hurting when they hurt and I KNOW you of all people can relate to that. I just thought you should know exactly what has been going on.

becommingfallon @ 2007-09-29T11:13:00

2007-09-29T16:32:10Z

*smirks* I typically stay quiet, but you know what? It's entirely too over-rated.

Here's a thought, think about someone else besides yourself for once OR OH OH keep your fucking mouth shut? Do you relish in the fact that you hurt people constantly. You must because you just keep on doing it. I know you could give a shit about me, and that's perfectly fine because honestly? The feeling is more than mutual cupcake.

I know that me saying all this isn't going to change a thing. But damn did it feel good to say it. Fair warning, I'm done being quiet, DONE being the one who just sits back and takes blow after blow and does nothing to retaliate. You don't hurt me anymore sweetheart, I'm passed that...I'm to the point where I'm pissed the fuck off and you manage to piss me off a little more everyday. Quite frankly? It makes me laugh.

I Sing Alot, Get Over It

2007-09-15T00:24:19Z

"Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, but i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
buti kind of like it

I'm in my bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting"

Why...

2007-09-09T18:14:14Z

((OOC: Just to let you know, this fic is round about the time Fall went quiet in my head and it killed me to write!))

Fallon awoke to a small hand on her shoulder. Opening her eyes she saw Ashton standing in front of her.

"Mommy?”

She had only been asleep for a few hours, and she hadn't meant to fall asleep in the first place. For a moment she forgot that she had even sat down on the couch. It had been three days since she had come home and found the letter from Danny saying he was going over to Jordie and Trev's. One day passed with no word and she had seriously began to worry. She hadn't been able to get in touch with anyone and all the wondering and second guessing was really doing a number on her. The bags under her eyes and her overall fatigued state proved it. It had got to the point where she was beyond worried and beyond crying...she was damn near denial...trying not to let herself believe what her suspicions told her. Sighing she looked at Ash.

"Ok, I'm up...I'm going...go to your room...I‘ll make you something to eat." She hadn't really slept in two days and when she had dozed off it was never actually in the bed. She couldn't sleep there...not without....shaking her head she closed her eyes tight and forced herself to stand up. Taking in a deep breath she tried to curb the dizziness that took over, she thought to herself that she really should eat something....but every time she tried she found herself in the bathroom heaving until her body shook. She couldn't deal with this, not now. Pulling herself together the best way she could, she went to the kitchen.

The minutes moved to hours and she laid down with Ash finally getting her to go back to sleep before dozing off herself.

It felt like she had only been asleep for a few minutes when she awoke again. Reaching across Ash’s bed she sat up quickly when she didn’t feel her daughter next to her. Looking around, her eyes widened. Ash had somehow gotten into the closet and dragged out her finger-paints. There were multi colored handprints everywhere.

"ASHTON ELIZABETH HEATH!" Fallon yelled.

Ash jumped a little and turned around her doe eyes wide.

"Why the hell...you know better for Christ's sake!" Walking over she jerked the paints out of Ash's hand and grabbed her hauling her into the bathroom. "God Damnit child!" She scolded, roughly washing the paint off of her daughters hands.

Ash's bottom lip had begun to quiver and there were tears in her eyes threatening to fall. "Sowwy."

"Yeah well sorry doesn't cut it young lady!" Fallon heard the harsh tone in her voice and she knew she was taking Danny's disappearing act out on her daughter, but she couldn’t stop herself.

“I want my Daddy!” Ash’s little voice shrieked out as her tears began to fall.

“WELL THAT’S TOO BAD BECAUSE HE’S NOT HERE! YOUR DADDY IS GONE!” Fallon’s eyes widened as the words slipped through her mouth. It was the first time she had actually said it aloud and it felt like someone and closed their fist around her heart.

Ash’s little legs took off running down the hall and slammed her door.

“Ash...wait...” Fallon called out chasing after her only to have the door slam in her face. Sighing, she leaned against it for a few moments before racing into her bedroom. She opened drawers, threw clothes everywhere, searching aimlessly for the one thing she knew would temporarily calm her down. When she didn’t find what she was looking for she yelled. “GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!” Running over to the closet she threw the doors open and began grabbing and throwing everything she saw until she found the shoebox and pulled out an almost full pack of cigarettes. Grabbing the matches and the phone she made her way out to the balcony. She shakily put one to her lips and after a few failed attempts, finally ignited the match and lit cig. She inhaled deeply....too deep...and it made her burst into a fit of coughs. Cursing herself, she stared at the numbers on the phone before slowly dialing an all too familiar number.

“Liam? I...I need you to keep Ash...I can’t...just please get over here now.” Her voice was distant and a little distraught and she didn’t wait for a response before hanging up.

Liam cursed loudly. Fallon was a mess and he was afraid if he didn’t get over there soon she might actually do something drastic. He looked at Cori and without a word spoken between them she nodded.

“Go Liam...take as much time as you need.” She said her voice full of concern and kissed him goodbye.

He traveled as fast as he could to Fallon’s house. Not even bothering to knock he ran inside his eyes darting around the house. God it was a mess...He silently cursed Danny.....he couldn’t even imagine what his best friend had to be going through. He searched for several minutes before finding her outside on the balcony. She was leaning against the railing staring off into space. The cigarette she held in her hand had long since burned out and had turned into a slim cylinder of ash. He sighed and moved outside.

“Fallon?” He said softly. When he didn’t get a response he shook her a little.

The cigarette fell to the ground and Fallon jerked a little. “Liam...I knew you’d come.” She reached for another cig.

Liam frowned and reached out grabbing the pack out of her hand. When she leaned over trying to get the cigs back, he simply crumpled them in his hand and threw them off the balcony.

“God Damnit! Why the hell did you...I need those!” She shrieked.

“No...No you don’t!” He really looked at her for the first time. “Damnit woman! Have you slept? Or eaten? Or anything.”

“What do you think?” She said her teeth clenched.

“I think you’re going to make yourself seriously sick if you don’t!” He said staring hard at her.

She shrugged. “What does it matter?”

“I know your hurting Fall, but you can’t just shut down...” He ran his hands through his hair.

She moved away from the railing and glared at him. “Oh you KNOW do you? Then please Liam...tell me what the fuck I’m suppose to be doing?” She began to gesture dramatically with her hands. “You don’t know a damn thing do you? Do you know what it feels like to have your life jerked out from underneath you? To have the only person you ever truly loved to disappear without explanation? To wonder for days if they are alright or hell even alive!?! And if they are....” She faltered and began to shake a little trying to keep the tears from falling. She had already cried so much. “....If they are...to wonder if you could have done something to prevent it...constantly thinking that it might have been your fault? And I know it’s only been three days but GOD DAMNIT! He promised never to leave me....” She collapsed to her knees the tears violently expelling from her eyes. “He promised me Liam....”

Liam’s heart broke a little and he immediately dropped down beside her, gathering her into his arms and rocking slowly. “Shhhh it’s ok Fall....everything’s going to be ok.”

Surprise...

2007-09-09T18:11:22Z

((OOC: This starts the fics set after Fall has moved to New York and married Danny...if your confused and feel the need to be filled in a full description of her whole back story can be found on her profile. These fics are just to describe a lot of vital moments in her life))

Danny was walking down the hall when he heard a faint little voice coming from his daughter's room. A smile spread across his face and he opened the door just enough to peer in. He could see her in the mirror reflection.

The Wizard of Oz was playing quietly on her TV set and Ashton had a hairbrush clutched in her four year old hand, the other hand raised high above her head as she belted out the words to 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow'.

Danny's mouth formed a small 'o' and his eyes widened. Walking quickly the rest of the way down the hall into the bedroom, he sat down on the bed and shook his wife gently.

"Fallon? Fallon-baby...wake up doll." He said softly.

Fallon groaned in protest and turned over, her voice was heavy with sleep. "Ugh, give me thirty more minutes baby and I'll rock your world."

Danny chuckled and lowered his eyebrows a bit. "As tempting as that offer may be my love...." He said as he turned her back over, laughing a bit at the look on her face. "....I didn't wake you up to have my way with you."

Fallon wrinkled her nose at him her eyes still closed. "Mmmm...really now?" She reached up intending to curl her fingers into his hair.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her up despite her protesting groans. "Come on Fallon, you're going to miss it."

"Only thing I'm missing right now is the pillow." She laid back down and curled up.

"Ok you stubborn brat..." Danny shoved his arms under her and picked her up in one swift movement. He carried her through the door and into the hall.

Fallon began to kick her legs. "DANNY! Put me down!"

He set her down and covered her mouth gently. Putting a finger to his own lips he made a 'shhh' sound then pointed to Ashton's door.

Fallon raised an eyebrow and looked at him.

"Just look..." He hissed smirking a bit.

Eyebrow still raised Fallon leaned over and quietly peeked into her daughter's room.

Ashton was spinning in circles her hairbrush still held high. Her little voice started to grow a bit stronger as she neared the end of the song.

Fallon smiled brightly as she watched her daughter jump up on her bed and listened to her voice ringing through the room then carrying out into the hall. She turned to Danny mouth agape.

Danny beamed. In that moment he was so very proud. He mouthed 'I told you', then leaned over Fallon so he could look inside as well.

"If happy wittle buebirds fwy
Beond the wainbow
Why oh why can't I?"

Ashton held the last note out then giggling jumped up and bounced down onto her bed, becoming fully engrossed in the movie again.

Fallon couldn't help but giggle a little.

Ashton perked up and her big brown eyes blinking towards the door.

Danny quickly pulled Fallon back against the wall and they stood perfectly still. A curly chestnut colored head poked outside and looked down the opposite direction. Grinning, Danny moved quietly from behind his wife and quickly grabbed his daughter, tossing her up into the air.

Ashton made a high pitched 'meep' sound that turned into a squeal of giggles as her Daddy tossed her into the air. "DAAAADDDDYYY!"

Danny spun her around a few times before kissing her little forehead. "Oh...good morning Starshine."

She grinned and put her tiny hands on either side of his face, mashing them together so his face looked funny. Giggling like mad, she placed a tiny kiss to his cheek.

He turned her so she could see Fallon standing by the door. "Look who's up."

"MOMMY!" Ashton yelped squirming out of her father's arms and running as fast as her little legs would carry her over to her mother.

Fallon kneeled down just in time for Ashton to wrap her arms around her neck. "Mornin' sweetheart." She said kissing the top of her head. Standing up she smiled down at her daughter.

Ashton grinned and wrapped her arms as far as she could around Fallon's waist and placed her lips to her belly. "Good morrrrniiin baaaaaby!" She said in a little sing song voice that resembled Fallon's, before scampering back off into her room.

Fallon's eyes widened and she covered her stomach with her hand before looking up at Danny.

Danny blinked a few times before grinning and scooping her up into his arms again. "So when were you going to tell me?"

Fallon tilted her head to the side grinning sweetly, she ran her fingers through his hair then cupped his cheek. "Umm right now?" She laughed a bit then kissed him deeply. When she pulled away her eyes were glistening. "Congratulations Mr. Heath."

Danny returned her kiss then proceeded to make a trail of kisses across her face and down her neck. "Thank you, my love...for making my life perfect." He whispered into her ear as he carried her back to the bedroom.

Promises....

2007-09-09T18:02:11Z

((Set right after Fall gets put in the hospital for the last time by her ex husband...I just love learning things about my kids I didn't know >>))

It was raining, why did it always rain when things got hard? She was standing outside his apartment soaked from head to toe. This was going to be the hardest thing she had ever done...at first she had considered not saying goodbye at all, figuring that it might be too dangerous, but her husband was out of town and wouldn't be back for four days. By that time Fallon would be long gone. He had thought the hospital would have been able to keep her in one place, after his last attack. But she had covered her tracks well and was fairly certain she had filled in any of the loop holes that might have crept their way into her little plan. Taking in a deep breath she knocked at his door.

"Jesus Christ Fall!" Liam said sleepily as he opened the door. "Do you know what time it is?" One look at her soaking wet clothes and saddened expression made him pull her inside. Once he could see her in the light his heart froze. The bruises across her face and arms letting him know exactly what was going on. "I'm going to fuckin' kill that mother fucker!" He was furious, just as much with himself as he was with her husband. He knew her better than anyone how could he have been so blind to what was going on? "Gonna fuckin' kill him Fall!" He started to leave but she reached out and grabbed his arm.

"No please, don't! You can't say anything Liam! Not ever! You MUST pretend you haven't seen me in months better yet years. I don't care if it's fifteen years down the road and you see me somewhere you must lie and say I left without saying goodbye. I can't risk him finding out ..." She gulped. "You have to pretend like I was dead to you the moment I quit the band."

He looked at her a bit stricken at first. He had been hurt earlier that year by a woman he thought he loved, and now he was losing the one he knew he loved. "Left? Running away is NOT the answer Fall!" He was panicking.

"You're wrong..." She said softly but determinedly. "It's the only answer, if I stay he'll find me...might even kill me this time."

"Like hell he will! You'll be with me...you're staying with me God Damnit!" He cried demandingly.

"I can't put you in danger too Liam, if something happened to you..." She looked at him and bit back her tears. "You're all I have...so you must understand why I have to leave, why I have to go somewhere far away where he can't harm me or the ones I love anymore...why I ask that you don't ask me to tell you where I'm going, why you can't run after me...why I insist that you go on from this point pretended like you don't give a shit about me..."

How could she ask him to do that? He couldn't, he wouldn't not when he couldn't bare the thought of forgetting her. Pulling her into his arms he hugged her tightly and vowed silently to himself to never let her go.

Her voice was quiet, just above a whisper. "Please Liam, swear to me, please...." She held onto him tightly her body shaking more than she would have preferred. "Please promise me!?!"

Instead of words he pressed kisses to the top of her head and stroked her back, something he had always done to calm her down. He wasn't sure what happened next, what possessed him to do it, but he felt her relax in his arms and his kisses trailed across her forehead, over her cheeks, and finally to her lips. He had kissed her a million times before, but this time it was different, there was a near yearning that had never expressed itself until now in his desperation to keep her with him. Shock over came him as he found that she was returning his kiss. Groaning almost appreciatively he deepened the kiss and pulled her tight against himself, feeling the heat between them rising.

It wasn't long before he lifted her into his arms and carried her to his bed. Laying her down carefully as to not hurt her, because God he never wanted to hurt her, he moved over her kissing her everywhere. "F-fall? Are you s-sure?" He asked quietly even as he began to undress her.

Looking at him, her eyes filled with life, something they hadn't done in years and she reached for him passionately. "I've never been more sure of anything, Liam."

They touched and caressed gently, learning and exploring each other's bodies....memorizing every curve and crevice...something they had both secretly wanted to do for years. When he finally entered her body, his thrusts were slow and intense and they drew the breath from her.....

....They laughed and loved all through the night, until he fell asleep in her arms.

Silent tears rolled down Fallon's cheeks as she looked back at the bed once more, where he was still sleeping. Taking in a deep shaky breath, she left the envelope on her pillow and whispered softly..."Always...Goodbye..."

Hours later, the sun shone through his windows and onto his handsome face waking him with soft kisses of light. Smiling he reached over only to find an empty bed, his fingers brushed the envelope and he grabbed it quickly. He looked at the front of it and saw that it had 'push play' written in Fall's small handwriting scribbled across it. Raising an eyebrow he frantically got up and ran over to his stereo pressing play and almost crying as her voice came from the speakers, she had found the first thing she had recorded in a studio...clutching the letter tightly in his hand he read slowly.

Dearest Liam,
I'm so sorry I couldn't be there when you woke, but if I had to wake up in your arms I wouldn't have had the strength to do what has to be done. What NEEDS to be done. And you've given me that strength Liam, to go on...to keep living even though it seems like all is lost...to stand on my on two feet without help from others. I'm far from doing any of those things yet but I'll know for the rest of my life that part of who I am is because of you. You are my rock, my best friend above anyone else and, quite possibly the love of my life. Thank you for always being so kind and understanding, For being the only person to make me smile when I was at my lowest, for knowing me better than anyone else has...and thank you for last night for giving me the only piece of love I have ever known. I love you Liam Alexander Anderson, and I will continue to love you until the day I die...and if you feel anything like that for me you will respect my wishes and forget me, erase me from your mind love...as hard as it is for me to say that and as hard as it is for me to leave you, I need to be strong and do what's best for the both of us. You'll always be in my heart....

Forever and Eternally Yours,
Fallon

His tears rolled silently down his cheeks and he ran into his room thanking God when he found a few strands of her hair on the pillow. Reaching over he opened the back of an old picture frame that had a picture of the two of them in it, and placed the hair in the envelope followed by the letter. Kissing the paper he slid the envelope in behind the picture and closed the frame once more. Laying back on the bed and closing his eyes he held the frame to his heart, and let her sweet voice from the radio fill him.

"If I should stay..
Well I would only be in your way...
And so I'll go and yet I know..
That I'll think of you
Each step of my way...

And I will always love you..
I will always love you..

Bittersweet memories..
That's all I have and
All I'm taking with me..
So goodbye, please don't cry..
Cause we both know that
I'm not what you need...

But I will always love you..
I will always love you..

And I hope life will treat you kind..
And I hope that you have
All you ever dreamed of..
Oh, I do wish you joy..
And I wish you happiness..
But above all this, I wish you love..
I love you..
I will always love you...

I, I will always, always love you..
I will always love you..
I will always love you...
I will always...."

Once the song was over and it was quiet again, he ran his finger over her picture. "I promise Fall...."

Loss...

2007-09-09T17:59:04Z

Fallon shot up off the hard 'bed'. "Are you sure?"

"Yes Mrs. Harris." The Doctor replied laughing a bit.

"B...but...maybe you made a mistake." She laid back down. "Check again!"

"Fallon, there's no mistaking it." He replied removing his glasses. "You're pregnant m'dear. About a two months along to be exact."

Oh God...no...please no. She fought back the tears and reached up to cover her face, wincing as she grazed over her swollen cheek.

__________________________________________________________________

Slowly, she made her way up the stairs to their apartment. He's not going to be happy....he hates kids. How the fuck could you be so stupid? Getting of the pill just so you could save the extra money?

"Where the hell have you been?" A booming voice bellowed from atop the staircase.

She gasped when she saw her husband. "I had to go to the doctor." She mumbled as she reached the last step. Before she could blink, his hand connected with her already sore cheek.

"What? You stupid little bitch...have you been running you're mouth?" He asked glaring at her.

Shaking her head she looked down trying to not let him see her cry, that would just piss him off even more. "No...Brys...please..."

Brys laughed and grabbed her arm digging his fingers into her skin. "That's right beg me to stop you fucking cunt." He said as he moved his hand over to her breast and squeezed hard causing her to cry out. He slapped her again and put his hand over her mouth. "Shut up! God how can you be so fucking stupid? Do you want someone to hear?"

YES! Her heart screamed out. She shook her head and breathed out a sigh of relief when he let her go.

"There's a good girl." He said pulling her into his arms and stroking her hair lovingly. "Why do you make me hurt you baby?"

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard before the words flowed from her mouth. "I'm pregnant." Her universe exploded as he shook her hard.

"YOU'RE WHAT? You fucking whore! There's no way in hell it's mine! YOU FUCKING GUTTER SLUT!" He yelled out as he stepped back and kicked her hard.

Fallon screamed as she went flying down the flight stairs. Every part of her body connected with the hard surface sending shots of blindingly unbearable pain straight through her. Her head slammed against the concrete and the world slowly slipped away.

__________________________________________________________________

Her eyelids were heavy as they fluttered open. Searing pain cut through her when she tried to lift her head off the pillow. The lights were so bright they blurred her vision.

"Doctor Gilmore! She's awake!" She heard a voice yell out.

Gradually everything came back into focus and she stared up at the Doctor who looked positively relieved.

"Why hello there Fallon." He said warmly jotting down a few things on his clipboard before handing it to the nurse then shining a bright light into her eyes. "You gave us quite a scare. You're lucky the blow to the head didn't cause serious neurological damage. You should really learn to be more careful, next time you should consider letting someone help you carry you're groceries up the stairs."

She opened her mouth to protest but quickly bit her bottom lip and turned her head to the side. Then it hit her like a fist, the baby. "Umm..what...I mean...am I still? The baby?" She asked softly.

A grim look spread over the doctor's face and it told her everything she needed to know. "I'm sorry Fal..."

She held up her hand and shakily curled her fingers into a fist. Shaking her head she buried her face into her hands and sobbed heavily

Bruises...

2007-09-09T17:57:40Z

Fallon was curled up on the couch sleeping somewhat peacefully when Bryson got home from work. She didn't hear the key turning or the door swinging open. It wasn't until he jerked her up by her arms did she wake with a start, her pupils huge and heavy with sleep. He jerkily raked his fingers through her hair.

"You look so innocent when you first wake up..." His grip on her arm tightened and he leaned in inches away from her lips. He tilted his head from side to side and when he spoke again his voice was low and raspy. "But looks are very deceiving. You and I both know you're nothing but a dimwitted little tramp." He hissed and shoved her hard back down onto the couch. She had become so accustomed to his harsh words and tactics, that she had almost numbed herself to it all. She didn't speak nor move, as one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "Now, where is my dinner woman?"

She looked up at him and swore under her breath. She hadn't meant to sleep all afternoon. Biting her bottom lip, she prepared for the worse. She opened her mouth to speak but was quickly shushed by him.

"No, my dear...it's quite alright...you don't have to explain why you are such an incompetent wife." His smirk widened as he reached for his belt. Unhooking it slowly, he jerked it off and threw it to the side. "Such insolence though, can not go unpunished.” He added, unzipping his pants and stepping closer to her. Pushing his jeans followed by his boxers to the floor, he grabbed the back of her head and yanked her up by her hair. “Now then...” She knew what was coming and her heart to beat at a faster pace. Trying to fight him, she bit down on her lip harder and moved her head back and forth. He pulled her head back, causing her to cry out in pain. It gave him the opportunity to shove himself inside her mouth. “Do it!” He growled groaning a bit. When all she did was look up at him with fresh tears rolling down her cheeks, he began to move his hips thrusting into her mouth. Each thrust was deeper and harder than the one before. She closed her eyes as she began to cough and gag. She was having trouble breathing and he was relishing in it. He threw his head back groaning loudly as he felt his self getting close. She placed her hand over his and dug her nails into his skin, hoping that it would sway him enough to let her head go at least. It was a stupid move on her part, because he merely laughed and pulled her hair harder. She whimpered just as he came fast into her mouth. As the bitter warmness shot down her throat, she began to gag again as he continued to thrust. She couldn't really control what happened next. Her reflexes kicked in and everything started to come right back up. Before she could realize what had happened, she vomited all over herself and him. His eyes widened and he made a sound of pure disgust. "Ugh you stupid little bitch!" He pushed her off him and slapped her hard across the face. "Now clean it up!" He stormed off into the other room leaving her shaking and crying on the floor. Slowly she began to move around in a ill attempt to clean up the mess.

Afterwards she stumbled into the bathroom and fumbled with the light switch. The bright lights hurt her eyes and blurred her vision. She swayed back and forth slowly until her eyes could see clearly again. A small cry escaped her lips as she came face to face with her reflection. Her lips were swollen and bruised, along with her right cheek. She lifted up her shirt and ran her fingers along the hand shaped bruises and scrapes. Wincing, she glanced back into the mirror and screamed as she threw her fist into it. Staring down at the broken glass and her bleeding hand, she began to laugh. The pain was almost unbearable, but for the first time in years she felt alive.

Forced....

2007-09-09T17:55:06Z

"I can't just quit Brys...the guys depend on me."

He laughed dryly and took a few steps closer to her. "Which is why you have to quit. I can't have something of mine strutting around provocatively for all to see."

She looked at him a bit confused. “Provocatively? It’s not like I’m taking my clothes off for money! I’m doing what I’ve always dreamt of doing. Can’t you respect that?” Why was he talking about her as if she were a piece of property? And no one had ever made her feel dirty about her singing before, and she didn’t like the feeling.

He lowered his eyebrows and glared at her. Closing the space between them, he grabbed her hips and dug his fingers into them causing her to wince a bit in pain. “You might as well be a whore! That’s hooked me, up there shaking those little hips.” He kneaded his fingers roughly against her skin.

“Let me go Brys...you’re hurting me.” She whimpered out. She really should have kept her mouth shut, because quicker than she could blink, he had backhanded her right across the face.

“Don’t interrupt me little girl.” He bellowed out shoving her back against the wall and pinning her to it. Her eyes were wide with fear and the tears were steadily falling. She closed her eyes and turned her head preparing for the worse. Suddenly, his grip loosened and when she opened her eyes, his had softened. He took her into his arms and stroked her hair. “Oh god baby...I’m so sorry. I just can’t stand the thought of some other guy touching you, hell I can’t take the notion that they might be thinking about you. You know I’d never intentionally cause you pain baby doll....I don‘t know what came over me. It will never happen again I swear! God I‘m so sorry.” He said holding her tight and pressing several kisses against the top of her head.

She was terrified and so many things were running through her head. She so desperately wanted to make him happy so she nodded. “It’s ok Brys...I’ll quit the band if it will make you happy.” Little did she know, she had just handed him the reins to her life thus sparking a series of events that would change her life forever.

New Beginnings...

2007-09-09T17:52:19Z

((This is the first of several back story/fic posts...Fallon is already very developed in my brain and she has loads of backstory/fics))

Fallon's eyes were closed as the music filled the room and the familiar words built up inside her. Grasping the microphone, her hips began to move with the drummer's beat. She grabbed a fistful of her hair and tilted her head as her song began.

It was a Monday, when my lover told me,
"Never pay the reaper with love only.
What could I say to you, except, "I love you"
and "I'd give my life for yours".

I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones, dear

Ugh covers! How I hate doing them... She kept up the illusion well with her stage presence. Opening her eyes as she began the next verse, she looked out into the audience and saw him. He was staring so intently at her that she almost missed her cue.

Remember the time we made love in the roses?
and you took my picture in all sorts of poses
how could I ever get over you, when I'd give my life for yours

I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones, dear

Grabbing the mic out of the stand, she began to move around the stage eating up all the attention. The whole time, the guys eyes were fixated on her. "Looks like you have an admirer." Liam (her bass player) whispered in her ear during the bridge. Grinning she nodded then turned back to the audience.

My dear,
It's time to say I thank God for you.
I thank God for you, in each and every single way.
And, I know(I know)..I know(I know)..I know(I know)..
I know(I know)..
It's time to let you know.
Time to let you know.
Time to let you know.
Time to sit here and say:

I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones
I know we are..we are the lucky ones, dear, dear
We are the lucky ones, dear, dear
We are the lucky ones, dear, dear
We are the lucky ones, dear...
We are the lucky ones, dear.
We are the lucky ones, dear.

Once the song ended she blew everyone a kiss. "Thank you!" Grinning she turned to the boys in her band. "Great set guys...now...lets celebrate!"

After they cleared the stage for the next aspiring band, She was only fourteen, but her appearance told people differently. She had been lucky when she had met the guys in her band. They were much older than her and she just knew because of her age, no matter how much ass she kicked at her audition, that there was no way in hell they were going to give her the lead singer spot. Boy had they proved her wrong. Brushing her hair out of her face, she strolled up to the bar with Liam and ordered a drink. Without a second thought, the bartender nodded and she pulled herself up onto one of the many bar stools.

"That was amazing Liam! Even if it was a cover." She added rolling her eyes.

"Come on, Fallon...you know that as soon as we get on our feet we can do our own material." Liam replied putting his hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah but, you know that we could totally..." She was cut off when her 'admirer' appeared out of no where.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

At that moment the bartender handed her the cocktail she had ordered. Perfect timing. She held it up to the guy smiling. "I've got that part covered thanks."
Liam's eyes darted back and forth from Fallon to the new guy. Grinning mischievously, he patted Fallon's shoulder. "I'm gonna go see what the guys are up too."

She glared at him as he left. It took all of about two seconds for the guy to take Liam's place. Just you wait Liam, I'm so gonna kick your ass! She smiled at the guy preparing for the awkward small talk.

"You're really good...I must say I enjoyed you're performance."

She nodded and simply replied, "Thanks."

The guy smirked and held out his hand. "I'm Brys by the way."